"Men's Work"

Inspired by Fierce and Tender

Remembering a scene from ten years ago: I find myself inside a teepee, sitting in a circle of men, a fire burning brightly in the middle. On land just north of Boulder, under the cover of darkness, we had taken our shoes off and crossed a shallow creek in order to reach the teepee. The cold flowing January water brings me deeply into my body and directly into the present. Our leader introduces a variety of “sacred medicines” into the circle - sweetgrass, palo santo, sage, a highly purified oil of some sort that we are to handle with care so as not to contaminate the bottle. The cynic in me finds this a bit ridiculous and over the top, but the intention is clear - we sit in sacred space.

We meet in this space every other week for a total of eight gatherings, sharing our stories with heart and soul. On the first night, I’m referred to as “tin man.” I feel confused and resentful about this, but looking back, the label fit too well. After three years of intra- and inter-personal work as a psychotherapy grad student at Naropa University where nearly every class acted as some form of group therapy, I still closed off my emotions, particularly around other men.

Moving from the male dominated world of engineering and corporate life, at Naropa I often found myself as the only male in circles of women. I had male classmates, but the overall energy was very clearly feminine. This teepee held a different energy - the energy of the masculine. Those eight gatherings served as my introduction to “men’s work.” New ground was broken and there was something that resonated, but I was still too armored and unfamiliar with the terrain of the “deep masculine.”

Fast-forward five years and a 12 week online intensive “School for Men,” and I heard the call of the ManKind Project (MKP) and largely on a whim, signed up for the locally held weekend “workshop” - the New Warrior Training Adventure (NWTA). The man who inspired me to sign up advised me that I could find more information on the training if I googled around, but that I should just go. And so, with minimal expectations, I went.

By the end of the first night, I was asking myself why in the world I keep signing up for shit like this. On Saturday morning I felt tired and grumpy and wanted to leave. But by Saturday afternoon I was fully onboard with the program. Given that it was “not my first rodeo,” I can’t say I had a life-changing experience, but I did watch many men have such an experience. And I had found a supportive community where I could slowly and surely relax into becoming who I am.

Over the last 5 years, I’ve sat in countless circles of men - as a participant, as a facilitator, and as a leader, and I’ve now staffed four (and counting) NWTA weekends. I’ve found a place where I can open my heart, hold myself accountable, refine my skills as a leader and facilitator, and continue to discover my missions in this life.

I bring all this up as I read Dene Maria Sebastiana’s Fierce and Tender: Healing the Deep Masculine last week. Dene has served as an early pioneer and passionate leader in the MKP community, helping to establish eight regional MKP communities including Mexico, as the organization exploded out of its roots in Wisconsin and Chicago from the late 80s. In Fierce and Tender, Dene shares his personal story from a place of vulnerability and humility.

In the first third of his book, Dene’s candid retelling of his childhood and early adulthood had an unusual effect on me - I found myself recalling many of my own childhood stories. It seemed as if Dene’s open, vulnerable sharing allowed me to access old memories as my own personal memoir seemed to suddenly flow outward from a forgotten place of shadows and cobwebs.

Though we have led very different lives, I found plenty of resonance. From Dene’s time of late adolescence in the epicenter of San Francisco’s psychedelic rock scene and my college adventures with The Grateful Dead… From his work in Gurdjieff communities and my long-time fascination with all sorts of western esoteric practices and “mystery schools”... And perhaps most importantly, from his personal journey through marriage and “men’s work” - this, too, has become my path.

Say what you will about the phrase “toxic masculinity”, in my humble opinion, men have a lot of work to do to discover themselves and successfully navigate this new era of sociological change and transformation. And setting aside the abstraction of “men,” I have a lot of work to do to become fully myself in this flowing and ever changing world. Being in relationship and community with other men, and being in an ongoing dance of challenge and support with my wife catalyzes my own journey of becoming more of me.